27.6.22
fuck yeahhhhh did the exam part of my english today and it went well :D just ur standard creative writing task so a piece of cake. creative writing is great because it's all just Vibes Based yknow??? can just say shit and u get good marks. i'm good at writing that flows nicely (when im doing it intentionally at least) and id already done a first draft so it was good!! anyways time to focus on physics now >_> im so fucking behind on this one im gonna be up LATE tonight and tomorrow night and the night after. oh well.
one other fun thing! i FINALLY got around to installing a new browser lmao. and this one doesn't have the weird parental control filters so i can now swear, uncensored, without special characters. very happy about this it was so annoying because im a very sweary person and it was a Pain to copypaste from a unicode converter once every three sentences. im already enjoying vivaldi it's so good only annoying thing is you can't set it to "clear all cookies except from these 3 sites" but i can circumvent that with a chrome extension (since it's chromium based, chrome extensions work on vivaldi too which is super helpful)
i also found a very cute neocities site today, tinypaws. just one person who is incredibly dedicated to taking pictures of their dog. kinda makes me wanna take more pictures of lola but it's such a pain w/out a smartphone,,,, ah well. i've given myself until 8pm and then i will start physics, do that until midnight, complete the Bedtime Routine and go to bed. rinse and repeat for three days and HOPEFULLY 12 hours of work will be enough to do a good depth study,, gotta get that ranking otherwise the hsc is gonna suck. love this school system <3
21.6.22
I have a math test tomorrow (AND the day after :I) that I really should be studying for, but instead I can't stop thinking about numbers. What is a number, really? I know what a number is, mostly, but if you asked me to explain or define it I would be completely unable to. Numbers, in my perception, are kind of like points in a field. There's the number line, but if you expand that out into a number plane (e.g. with imaginary numbers), and then add a third dimension of depth... I don't really know how to explain it, but although we think of numbers like a line they're more like a 3D field. Or a universe, if you're more inclined to consider it that way. I don't know. It's interesting.
20.6.22 - thoughts on anarchism
With the discovery of an actual, legitimate, well-established anarchist commune nearby, I've been having a lot of thoughts about leftism in general. It's sparked a lot of conversations with my mother, too. She says - and I'm inclined to agree with her - that it would be significantly easier to discuss anarchist/leftist/communist ideas with the general population if they were called something else. Communism particularly invokes such a strong reaction in people that, no matter what you say after that, they'll have already dismissed you. (Particularly older people e.g. 40+.)
“Are you a communist?”
“I don’t know what that word means to you, so I don’t know what a yes would mean. What do you say we sit down over supper and I’ll tell you how I see the world and my place in it?”
“Fair enough.”
(Stone Butch Blues, Leslie Feinberg) (dialogue tags removed for clarity)
Once, in a conversation with my then Chemistry teacher, we were talking about general politics as a class. I mentioned anarchism, and was met with the general hostility that it often is. I waited, though and kept participating in the conversation, talking about anarchism but without using the name. By the end, everyone generally seemed to agree with me. I found it absolutely fascinating how their attitude seemed to change so quickly. I think the general population, for the most part, would be pro-anarchy. It's just the term itself that they're against.
Saying "I'm an anarchist" is such an effective conversation ender that I've started using it to my advantage. Sometimes I'm just not interested in having an entire discussion with a random bigot.
It's interesting how, as I read more about anarchist principles, the more certain I am in my anarchism. I suppose I sort of got lucky. I only started reading leftist theory because I had a crush on an outspoken anarchist in my writers group. (If you're reading this... sorry.) Before that I was.. vaguely right-of-centre? It was the first time I'd actually, properly thought about politics and why things are the way they are. and look at me now! transsexual anarchist! Rather a tone change. Anyway, the point I was trying to get to: I've subscribed to the anarchist library RSS feed, and have started to get into the habit of reading semi-randomly chosen anarchist texts each day. It's been incredibly interesting to read from a wide variety of authors, from all kinds of settings and contexts. I don't really have a finishing thought for this, just... something I've been considering.
13.6.22
i forgot to mention yesterday that!! N is making a website!!!!! im so 𝚏ucking excited to share this interest with them and also read their site (all of their stories and artworks are the absolute coolest). once they finish setting it up ill link them properly on the homepage :D
12.6.22
mental health update: systems r positive! i haven't had anyone at my house for a sleepover in forever and had such an excellent time. and now i have another photo with friends! i'm always worried that once i move for uni i will forget what people look like because my facial recognition skills are EXTREMELY subpar. there's something nice about taking photos, too - i used to haaaaate having my photo taken by anyone, but when it's between friends (especially trans friends!! woooo my gender is being perceived) i am much more okay with it and it's even enjoyable. which is a big step up!! there's about a 6 year gap in my life where there are almost no photos bc i just straight up refused.
just a short update today as i'd like to do my laundry and put away the mattresses before i go to bed (holy shit it's already 8pm)! feeling a distinct lack of stress which is extremely nice! might update the media log later tonight i don't think i've properly talked abt the muppets yet
10.6.22
I tried to write a blog post in Multiverse, but it didn't export properly. In the meantime, here.
7.6.22
whats up besties!! i havent updated here in what feels like fucking forever but has i think only been like a week (lmao). (here being the website not the journal,,,, i really want to journal more but idk what to write generally). so im going to keep it more casual from here on out i think!
ive been in a depression haze the past couple of days (hehe rhyme) which has been no fun at all. normally when i feel terrible i can pinpoint whats happening (loneliness, something 2 be anxious about, lack of sleep) but idk whats up with me atm. just garden variety mental illness i guess!! 💖 sometimes it feels kinda unfair that im autistic AND adhd AND mentally ill but hey!! theyre a package deal i guess. it is what it is
speaking of adhd slash autism ive been neck deep in a new hyperfixation. anyone who knows me on a different platform will know already. it is - of all things - the muppets, and im incapable of thinking about ANYTHING else. more on that in /media.html tho! ive been crocheting my own muppet (i've named them mudge:D) and its taking. so long. but will b worth it hopefully
god what else i feel like a lot has happened but idk what to say. uhhhh i submitted a short story for publication! will be uploading that to the original content page soon. it's about ghosts and hauntings and loneliness and im kinda proud of it! tho im devastated about how cut down it is. (the word limit was 1500 words and the full thing is about 5000.) what can i say i have lots of thoughts and feelings <3
going to do some work on the site and then take a depression nap. today was majorly sh!tty so now im sad AND tired not a fun combo. anyways whoevers reading this hope ur day is better than mine 💜💜