25.8.22
i am going. to die.

the education system is. so deeply flawed i'm reconsidering becoming a teacher because while i do think it's important work. this shit sucks. maybe i just need to go and teach a math class to remember why i like it but like.... imagining being in a school for the rest of my life makes me want to Kill

anyways ill feel better once exam week is over. fucking trials. i want to cry im so tired and i still have ext ii to go,,,,

new webpage to cope.

20.8.22
Feeling significantly better about English. Exams start on Monday and end on Friday, so it will literally be my busiest week EVER in terms of schoolwork. I'm feeling mostly okay about it given the circumstances but... ugh.

Can feel the hyperfixation juices rising. I'm fighting back a Miraculous Ladybug hyperfixation with a stick (it was my old special interest but I haven't thought about it in YEARS). I'm also learning a little bit of Auslan. It's a really cool language although I do find that my hands hurt after a while, I guess I'm just not used to it? Still trying to figure out which hand I'm meant to use for fingerspelling too, lol.

It's 5:30. I have a couple hours left in the day. I'm going to clean my room and watch Billy Elliot (and take notes). Wish me luck :)

15.8.22
I'm hiking. I've been hiking for a while, and I'm out of shape. My chest hurts, my legs hurt. It would be so easy just to stop for a minute. Just to rest for a second. Let myself catch my breath. But I know if I stop, the trip will catch up to me and I'll need more than a minute. I have to get to the top of this hill soon, but if I stop, I might not have enough time. I had a reason to get to the top of the hill, but I'm so tired. I keep alternating between "is this really worth all this effort?" and reminding myself "here are the xyz reasons you're climbing this hill". Everyone around me says to just catch my breath, I'll be able to go on so much better if I just take a minute! But it won't just be a minute, it will be half an hour, and by then it'll be too late. So I keep walking and trying to ignore or trying to lean into the pain.

This is a metaphor.