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I know, for certain, that I'm not a woman. My connection to womanhood feels similar to my connection to, say, Judaism - I respect its adherents wholeheartedly and there are aspects of it that I find personally meaningful. But I'm just.. not that. To say therefore I'm a woman or I'm Jewish is inaccurate enough to be laughable. Sometimes I feel a kind of connection to manhood, but I struggle to tell whether that connection is to manhood or just the absence of womanhood. It would be convenient to be able to say that I'm definitely a man or definitely a woman - existing in this gray area often means I have to continually redefine myself and the space I take up.

I have my suspicions that gender is strongly linked to social connections and interactions and relationships. I don't know.. it's hard to put into words. I have this longing to take care of the people I love. I want to be able to cook, and manage a beautiful, welcoming home, and darn socks, and I want to pack a lunch for someone every morning. Is that a feminine trait? I want to know how to fix your car when it breaks, and put up a shelf, and help you paint your house, and pick you up from the airport, and pay for your lunch. Is that a masculine trait? I see an illustration of a man and a woman ballroom dancing, and I want to be the man, and I want to be the woman.

"Butch words for butch feelings", Leslie Feinberg wrote. I know what ze means. But I'm not butch, not really, or am I? If I was, would I still love dresses, and makeup, and pretty things? Would I still feel this deep-down immovable need to be held?

There's something very, very wrong with me. The problem is that I think that something is being human.

Also, I was up until like, 7am last night, and it was an insane day, and I fell asleep again at 12pm, and it was just weird all around. I'm feeling weird and kind of fucked up. In case you didn't notice. I feel like something's changed and things can never go back to how they were. Maybe I'm right or maybe I'm not. I hope I'm not. I liked things the way they were. I've been really happy these past few months.

The world is so big! Sometimes I get overwhelmed thinking about all my options.

Today I got a new tutoring client! A couple years ago, she was my sister's best friend, although I think they've drifted apart a little since then. She's lovely though - currently doing Advanced Math iirc. I'll be tutoring her over Zoom, so I got my drawing tablet set up and working again so I'll be able to write easier. It used to be super glitchy but since I've switched to Linux Mint it's been completely fine. Darn Windows. I should get myself set up with a Ko-Fi or something - then I could maybe set up a proper website for tutoring. I prefer in person of course but, yknow, driving is hard. >_>

The woman who runs the tutoring company I applied to said she'd get in contact "early February", so I am waiting somewhat-impatiently. I miss teaching! It's the thing I miss most about high school, being around people who could use my help. Here it's "do a trig problem for my dad once a month", which isn't really the same, obviously. She seems nice, and possibly decent about workers' rights? Which is nice. It's just a casual position, but I do get to choose my hours, and I'm hoping the pay is ok. My goal is to save $1000 before I have to go to uni - ideally more, because I'll probably need a down payment of some kind to rent. I know you're meant to get down payments back but I've heard enough horror stories of landlords to know I'll be lucky if I do. Eugh, I don't like thinking about finances. Not sure anyone does. One of these days I need to get down to Centrelink and figure out how much of a safety net I'll have.

My goal, for income, is $500 a week. That seems... manageable? I'm hoping to get a couple hundred a week from Centrelink, and I'll (hopefully) cover the rest with tutoring. If I can't, well, I guess I'll have to get a normal job. I've never had a normal job. The idea does kind of scare me. Hopefully it won't come to that, because it's hard enough for me to work when it's things I enjoy and care about, let alone some meaningless office work. Or washing dishes or being a cashier or something. Whoooo knoooows. I think I could maybe charge $30/hr as a private tutor, though, and that's not half bad.

I'm so excited and scared for uni. I don't know if I'll be able to keep up with any kind of normal workload. And I'm scared about living on my own - obviously I've never done that before. I'm learning to cook, and I'll have a support worker who can help with all that kind of thing, but... I don't know. I hope I'll be able to share rent with nice people. I don't know!! I've been looking forward to this for so long, and I'm still looking forward to it. Lots of conflicting emotions.

Today I was looking at exchange programs for UQ. I have this half-formed plan to study my Masters degree (in education) overseas. Maybe Scotland, or Ireland - though the close proximity to TERF island makes me nervous. If Scotland achieves independence though, I'd really strongly consider it. Partially because of the weather (it was forecasted to peak at THIRTY NINE FUCKING DEGREES CELSIUS here today) and partially because of the whole "fresh start" aspect. I do love Australia though. I don't love living here, exactly, but I am Australian and I think I always will be.

I don't know. Many options to choose from. I know I got very lucky in that sense. If I can maintain a good GPA and not fail any courses, I should be able to do pretty much whatever I want in terms of exchange programs, which is nice.

HI. oh my god. it's been a while. over five months in fact. I had my final high school exams to deal with and maintaining a website really fell off the priority list. I'm back though! and it's so good to be back!

I got accepted into university!! A Bachelor of Mathematics. I'm so goddamn excited. This is my dream degree, and I really love the university I'll be attending. I'll miss some things about home but overall I'm really looking forward to this next stage of life. I don't start in-person courses until about July, because I'm deferring by a semester, but I'm taking one course online for this semester. I start at the end of this month! And in the meantime, I'm also doing a TAFE course on Auslan (Australian signed language). And working! I got accepted on probation (kinda, it's complicated) for a tutoring job with this company near me. I've met with the woman who runs it and she seems lovely, and anticipated a lot of my questions before I even brought them up :^) hopefully I'll start tutoring people within the next month!

There's other stuff going on, of course - I've had some health issues to deal with which have been particularly shitty. Something is going on with my sleep and I don't know what. But, I'm on a new medication now so fingers crossed that does.. something?

It's currently 2am. I'd like to be asleep but I just couldn't relax. I had a scary driving experience today (OH YEAH I ALSO CAN DRIVE NOW) and also, I've had awful nightmares this past week or so. Hence, deciding to open up neocities for the first time in ages just to have something to do. It's making me happy though! I remember why I loved it so much!

Anyways, that's about all I've got for now. Crazy that this site almost has 150 000 views. I'm sure most of those are bots, but still. And I came back to FORTY applications to the Queer Coded webring! Glad to see people have enjoyed the things I've made even while I was gone. I'll be checking my email frequently again, so shoot me a message if you're still reading this journal :^)