skip to main content

people are so bloody complicated all of the time and i'm sick of it! every time i finally feel like i've got a grasp of where i stand in relation to to other people i feel like the floor gets pulled out from under me. especially with this person. godfuckingdamnit.

do any of you have that feeling too? i feel like i'm missing some ninth sense. i hate feeling childish like this, like all the adults are discussing something i only kind of half get. i should fucking know this by now.

but hey, i guess i don't. probably never will by the looks of it. the closest i can get is being aware of my own failings but that doesn't stop them being failings. i hate feeling like i've chosen the wrong dialogue option every day of my fucking life and i hate how much i rely on choosing the right one. i'm always almost there, almost confident, and then i put a foot wrong and suddenly it's all wrong.

fucked if i know. people can be so cruel and i don't get it. i think i understand why so many people characterise being autistic as a cage keeping the 'real you' locked up. it's not true, of course, you can't distinguish the me from the autism, but i understand the appeal of wishing you could. because the alternative is that it's just me, all the way down, and i'm deficit. which is not something i enjoy contemplating.

this was going to be a positive update! it's been a few days in the new place, doing... better than i thought, at least i'm eating kind of regularly and showering an acceptable amount. but then Z sent me a photo of his dog in his room and i was hit with the first real bout of homesickness since wednesday.. i can't shake the feeling that this is all wrong, that i'm not meant to be here, that something got twisted up somewhere and i have someone else's life. i don't live here. i think this house resents me living in it. everything is wrong. i want to go home but my room isn't there anymore. i miss my dog. can someone come pick me up? i want to go home.

first night in my new house. cried only three times today; doing okay i think. lasagna for dinner, and salad. cos lettuce and dressing.

it's better to leave than to be left, but leaving still fucking sucks.