I hate web cookies so much it's unreal. I've set my browser to block every third party cookie by default, and things still work fine... almost as if we don't need them. I try to embed a youtube video: immediately, third party cookies. I try to add a cbox: third party cookies. Even pages that logically shouldn't need them use third party cookies, and I'm sick of it. Did you know Facebook - sorry, Meta - can and does build up ad profiles on you, even if you personally don't have an account? I didn't. It's absolutely horrific. Not to mention! it's so difficult to access a page without accepting cookies. I do my best to decline all of them, but sometimes I just have to give up, they're layered under so many hoops to jump through. I'm just so tired of having to actively defend my privacy every time I open a new webpage.
If you're designing a website: PLEASE think about whether you truly need that iframe. Use the nocookie option for embedding youtube videos, and make it easy for a user to decline all tracking cookies. And if you're a user: familiarise yourself with your browser settings. Disable third party cookies and autofill. Clear your existing cookies. It isn't that difficult to sign in each time you need a website. Chrome especially, there are SO many little settings that are enabled by default that any reasonable person would want disabled.
Well, it's happening again. Happened again - I'm writing this after the fact. It's so strange, to sit peacefully on my laptop, the sky visible through my window... and the knowledge that hundreds, possibly thousands of homes are damaged or destroyed.
My friend is sending me semi-regular photo updates of the water outside their house - still rising. It's like the most horrific sense of deja vu. I wish I was there with them, if only to help ease this horrible survivor's guilt. I almost was, in fact - I was meant to stay with them tonight. I was going to ask if I could stay last night, as well, but didn't know how to bring it up. Now I'm out here and they're in there. Last time they were trapped for nearly a week. This flood seems less severe, but I'm willing to bet this time there'll be less aid as well.
I think I'm going to dedicate part of my holidays to flood clean-up. I desperately need a break, but others need my time more than I do, y'know? And I guess I am having a break right now, even if it doesn't feel like it. If I can, I'd like to spend a bit of time doing maths today so I don't fall too far behind, and can spend the weekend helping instead of catching up.
I just wish this wasn't happening now, but I guess there's not really a good time for it to happen.
First off, belatedly, happy trans day of visibility! May all of us continue to be the coolest folks around. And secondly, happy trickery day to all who celebrate. (That is, April fool's.) And thirdly, happy early birthday to my friend, who turns 18 tomorrow.
The flood has continued. It's genuinely surreal to be going through life, thinking about maths and social problems and assignments and podcasts and whatever the 𝕗𝕦𝕔𝕜 is going on in my head, while there are people missing, and friends trapped... not in danger, but still, trapped. It's just weird, you know? And most people I've talked to about it, agree - once you dig through the horror and anxiety and devastation of it all, it's just weird. Such a deviation from the norm. I feel all kinds of detached, even though I'm essentially on a very large flood-surrounded island right now.
And yet, life goes on. Assignments continue, albeit delayed. In the next week, I need to finish my unit on integration so I can move on to revising proofs and vectors in the holidays. (Extension II is a wonderful mathematics course, but it's absolute hell in terms of study load.) I have art and physics exams too, and an english assignment due next friday. In the holidays, I'll be catching up with Z, working on a large fan project with some friends, studying, beginning the scholarship application processes and possibly going on a family vacation. I also want to read a lot, and watch at least two seasons of TXF. Lots to do. Maybe I'll ask my sister to change my tumblr password, so I won't be tempted to doom-scroll. And that's all between my two major commitments: working (my job was kind enough to give me this term off, but no more, which is fair) and volunteering with the relief effort,,,, and also all my appointments,,,,,,,,
Yikes. That's the first time I've typed it all out. I only get two weeks.. maybe I'll have to cut down on some of those things. (Or, uh, take my Ritalin a liiiiiiittle bit more consistently.) But, at least I'm dropping art, and physics is still prelim, so I only really need to worry about keeping on top of my maths courseload and doing my english assignment, at least until next week is over.
Don't be like me. Do your homework when it's assigned.
I've been thinking a lot about neurodivergency, and what it means (to me) to be autistic. Maybe I don't think about it as much as I otherwise would, considering my transness is so much more, idk, visible? Like if I'm going to fight for one part of my identity to be recognised, it'll be the trans part, and so I think about it more because, well, fighting for basic respect and decency. It takes up a lot of ur thoughts.
I'd never really considered autistic culture as a thing that like, exists. Queer culture is extremely important to me, but autistics don't seem to have that kind of visible history - at least not where I can see it. Everything I can read about our history is just... suffering. Which sucks! There are a lot of autistic people present and past who have lived happy, fulfilling lives, I'm sure of it. Just seemingly not connected to each other. Which gets stranger the more I think about it - I had a fully-autistic friend group before any of us even knew we were. Neurodivergent folks flock together. oh, i just had an idea for another page for this site. i think i was going somewhere with this post, but maybe i'll continue this thought later.
So today I was semiverbal for a bit. Not long, but long enough that it lasted through about three classes. (It was strange, three out of us four Autistic Kids were non/semiverbal today, all at the same time. An odd coincidence.) It was... an experience. Everyone - that is, 2 teachers and 2 of the learning support staff, and one student - was lovely about it, but it still felt isolating and frustrating. I'm not even sure what caused it. Change in routine, maybe? My math teacher wasn't there today and it threw off the rest of the day I guess. And now I have a lot of homework, which is guaranteed to make me feel more overwhelmed... oh well. At least I'll see N tomorrow. I can give them their birthday present! (Finally.) (I still wish I could've gotten them a sword, but I hope they'll like this just as much.) And, of course, it's my writing teacher's book launch soon, which I was a sensitivity reader for! (Along with N and Z, who attend the same class.) It's a middle-grade novel, and she wanted to include a trans character in it - but she's cis and wanted to get some trans sensitivity readers. enter, us! :^) I'm really excited to read the full thing. It'll be a big day (despite the launch only being 2 hours long lmao) but im looking forward to it.
Anyways, i still can't remember where I was going with that last post, so I guess it's a lost cause. Instead of that, I will leave you with something I discovered about neurotypical people today. I was talking to my mother (token family neurotypical /j) about the quite frankly 𝕗ucking absurd study timetable they presented to my class today. It was four hours of study, 6 afternoons a week, from 4:30-9 with a half hour break for dinner. sounds ridiculous and impractical, right? wrong. according to her it was actually pretty reasonable. Which??? Huh?????? Apparently the only thing stopping (nt) people from doing that is that... drumroll, please... they don't want to. And that any time anyone says they've been procrastinating homework, they're doing it... on purpose. HUH?
fucking absurd. (and quite frankly unfair. id be UNSTOPPABLE if i could sit down for 4+ hours a night and just do homework. id literally be top of my state in everything. jfc.)
Why is it that the more comfortable I am in my queerness, the less I can talk about it?
whats up besties!! i havent updated here in what feels like fucking forever but has i think only been like a week (lmao). (here being the website not the journal,,,, i really want to journal more but idk what to write generally). so im going to keep it more casual from here on out i think!
ive been in a depression haze the past couple of days (hehe rhyme) which has been no fun at all. normally when i feel terrible i can pinpoint whats happening (loneliness, something 2 be anxious about, lack of sleep) but idk whats up with me atm. just garden variety mental illness i guess!! 💖 sometimes it feels kinda unfair that im autistic AND adhd AND mentally ill but hey!! theyre a package deal i guess. it is what it is
speaking of adhd slash autism ive been neck deep in a new hyperfixation. anyone who knows me on a different platform will know already. it is - of all things - the muppets, and im incapable of thinking about ANYTHING else. more on that in /media.html tho! ive been crocheting my own muppet (i've named them mudge:D) and its taking. so long. but will b worth it hopefully
god what else i feel like a lot has happened but idk what to say. uhhhh i submitted a short story for publication! will be uploading that to the original content page soon. it's about ghosts and hauntings and loneliness and im kinda proud of it! tho im devastated about how cut down it is. (the word limit was 1500 words and the full thing is about 5000.) what can i say i have lots of thoughts and feelings <3
going to do some work on the site and then take a depression nap. today was majorly sh!tty so now im sad AND tired not a fun combo. anyways whoevers reading this hope ur day is better than mine 💜💜
I tried to write a blog post in Multiverse, but it didn't export properly. In the meantime, here.
mental health update: systems r positive! i haven't had anyone at my house for a sleepover in forever and had such an excellent time. and now i have another photo with friends! i'm always worried that once i move for uni i will forget what people look like because my facial recognition skills are EXTREMELY subpar. there's something nice about taking photos, too - i used to haaaaate having my photo taken by anyone, but when it's between friends (especially trans friends!! woooo my gender is being perceived) i am much more okay with it and it's even enjoyable. which is a big step up!! there's about a 6 year gap in my life where there are almost no photos bc i just straight up refused.
just a short update today as i'd like to do my laundry and put away the mattresses before i go to bed (holy shit it's already 8pm)! feeling a distinct lack of stress which is extremely nice! might update the media log later tonight i don't think i've properly talked abt the muppets yet
i forgot to mention yesterday that!! N is making a website!!!!! im so 𝚏ucking excited to share this interest with them and also read their site (all of their stories and artworks are the absolute coolest). once they finish setting it up ill link them properly on the homepage :D
20.6.22 - thoughts on anarchism
With the discovery of an actual, legitimate, well-established anarchist commune nearby, I've been having a lot of thoughts about leftism in general. It's sparked a lot of conversations with my mother, too. She says - and I'm inclined to agree with her - that it would be significantly easier to discuss anarchist/leftist/communist ideas with the general population if they were called something else. Communism particularly invokes such a strong reaction in people that, no matter what you say after that, they'll have already dismissed you. (Particularly older people e.g. 40+.)
“Are you a communist?”
“I don’t know what that word means to you, so I don’t know what a yes would mean. What do you say we sit down over supper and I’ll tell you how I see the world and my place in it?”
(Stone Butch Blues, Leslie Feinberg) (dialogue tags removed for clarity)
Once, in a conversation with my then Chemistry teacher, we were talking about general politics as a class. I mentioned anarchism, and was met with the general hostility that it often is. I waited, though and kept participating in the conversation, talking about anarchism but without using the name. By the end, everyone generally seemed to agree with me. I found it absolutely fascinating how their attitude seemed to change so quickly. I think the general population, for the most part, would be pro-anarchy. It's just the term itself that they're against.
Saying "I'm an anarchist" is such an effective conversation ender that I've started using it to my advantage. Sometimes I'm just not interested in having an entire discussion with a random bigot.
It's interesting how, as I read more about anarchist principles, the more certain I am in my anarchism. I suppose I sort of got lucky. I only started reading leftist theory because I had a crush on an outspoken anarchist in my writers group. (If you're reading this... sorry.) Before that I was.. vaguely right-of-centre? It was the first time I'd actually, properly thought about politics and why things are the way they are. and look at me now! transsexual anarchist! Rather a tone change. Anyway, the point I was trying to get to: I've subscribed to the anarchist library RSS feed, and have started to get into the habit of reading semi-randomly chosen anarchist texts each day. It's been incredibly interesting to read from a wide variety of authors, from all kinds of settings and contexts. I don't really have a finishing thought for this, just... something I've been considering.
I have a math test tomorrow (AND the day after :I) that I really should be studying for, but instead I can't stop thinking about numbers. What is a number, really? I know what a number is, mostly, but if you asked me to explain or define it I would be completely unable to. Numbers, in my perception, are kind of like points in a field. There's the number line, but if you expand that out into a number plane (e.g. with imaginary numbers), and then add a third dimension of depth... I don't really know how to explain it, but although we think of numbers like a line they're more like a 3D field. Or a universe, if you're more inclined to consider it that way. I don't know. It's interesting.
fuck yeahhhhh did the exam part of my english today and it went well :D just ur standard creative writing task so a piece of cake. creative writing is great because it's all just Vibes Based yknow??? can just say shit and u get good marks. i'm good at writing that flows nicely (when im doing it intentionally at least) and id already done a first draft so it was good!! anyways time to focus on physics now >_> im so fucking behind on this one im gonna be up LATE tonight and tomorrow night and the night after. oh well.
one other fun thing! i FINALLY got around to installing a new browser lmao. and this one doesn't have the weird parental control filters so i can now swear, uncensored, without special characters. very happy about this it was so annoying because im a very sweary person and it was a Pain to copypaste from a unicode converter once every three sentences. im already enjoying vivaldi it's so good only annoying thing is you can't set it to "clear all cookies except from these 3 sites" but i can circumvent that with a chrome extension (since it's chromium based, chrome extensions work on vivaldi too which is super helpful)
i also found a very cute neocities site today, tinypaws. just one person who is incredibly dedicated to taking pictures of their dog. kinda makes me wanna take more pictures of lola but it's such a pain w/out a smartphone,,,, ah well. i've given myself until 8pm and then i will start physics, do that until midnight, complete the Bedtime Routine and go to bed. rinse and repeat for three days and HOPEFULLY 12 hours of work will be enough to do a good depth study,, gotta get that ranking otherwise the hsc is gonna suck. love this school system <3
spoilers 4 stranger things (niamh dni):
hmmm so i just googled it and it turns out that eddie dies. unfortunate but inevitable. i have only seen 2 episodes of stranger things so it does not really affect me. both n and z however are going to be extremely upset and so i am already mentally preparing to be extremely sympathetic bc idk any other way of being comforting. mayhaps i will crochet some little object... we will see.
not me googling "how to comfort someone who doesn't like hugs" i am such a natural at this whole friendship thing
also, school holidays!!!!! i am off school for two and a bit weeks!!!! going to have 3 sleepovers (one with n one with z one with n and z) (yes, there are only 2 people i talk to regularly, what of it) and celebrate my birthday on one of them. very exciting i am going to be 17 which is,,, in the scheme of things still young but when youre in highschool that's Basically An Adult. terrifying. i also only have 8 weeks of regular classes left so that's 0.0,,,,,,, im so fucking close guys.
I've never seen any of Technoblade's videos, but he was one of my friend's favourite Youtubers. His death has been weirdly upsetting considering I don't really know much about him at all. Rest in peace, Alex.
well, i'm 17! happy birthday me :3 had the absolute loveliest time with a small-ish group of friends.
I Am At My Fucking Limit.
I understand that yes, it's past 9pm and you're not meant to trust any negative thoughts you have past 9pm, but also. man. it's school tomorrow and i cannot!! fucking do this anymore!!!!! i am so close and im just. holding onto that. god i hate this school so so so much. i am so sick of everyone thinking i don't put any effort in and just sit at home on my laptop doing fuckall, i am sick of everyone acting as though the school's transphobia is somehow my fault, i am SICK of 'help' that does nothing. sick of asking for help!!!! i ask for help and i don't fucking get any!!!! "just ask for help" WHAT MORE DO YOU WANT ME TO DO adhd is a curse and school is a prison and im going to lose my shit if uni is like this too. fuck. anyways.
firstly, wow, 50 000 views as logged by neocities. i do try not to pay attention to that number as i know it's not an accurate estimate of the number of visitors, but still pretty cool, yknow? i can't believe i only started this site in March. it's been a great time so far and a very cool gateway into vaguely retro technology (cassettes, records, mp3 players, brick phones). i've also learned a lot about accessibility!
in personal news, i am Sick (tm). i have the worlds most annoying cold and my throat hurts from coughing... not fun. i've been using this time as an excuse to work on my battle jacket, adding the first couple of patches (Mem., i want to make a page about that). 14/20 so far! not sure what to do once the general patches are on, maybe make some more niche ones and add other funky stuff. im not sure about studs yet, but we'll see. i also (mostly) finished another sweatervest - kind of feels like a binder tbh, it's quite tight, but the pressure is nice and i think it looks cool.
i want to do an experiment - one week without computer, except as absolutely necessary. i don't like how much time i spend on here, and how the time just disappears. friday night and most of saturday i was successful in avoiding the internet - until saturday evening when i was too sick to do anything but watch a movie. also, i wanted to check discord. but for the short amount of time i managed it, it was really nice!! i spent a lot of time on creative projects and even did a little schoolwork. feeling super positive about it and when i get back to school, i'll be resuming the test. maybe with the caveat that movies and email are okay though, just not discord/tumblr/neocities.
going to maybe do the battle jacket page tomorrow.. will see (depends on schoolwork). x isaac
I'm hiking. I've been hiking for a while, and I'm out of shape. My chest hurts, my legs hurt. It would be so easy just to stop for a minute. Just to rest for a second. Let myself catch my breath. But I know if I stop, the trip will catch up to me and I'll need more than a minute. I have to get to the top of this hill soon, but if I stop, I might not have enough time. I had a reason to get to the top of the hill, but I'm so tired. I keep alternating between "is this really worth all this effort?" and reminding myself "here are the xyz reasons you're climbing this hill". Everyone around me says to just catch my breath, I'll be able to go on so much better if I just take a minute! But it won't just be a minute, it will be half an hour, and by then it'll be too late. So I keep walking and trying to ignore or trying to lean into the pain.
This is a metaphor.
Feeling significantly better about English. Exams start on Monday and end on Friday, so it will literally be my busiest week EVER in terms of schoolwork. I'm feeling mostly okay about it given the circumstances but... ugh.
Can feel the hyperfixation juices rising. I'm fighting back a Miraculous Ladybug hyperfixation with a stick (it was my old special interest but I haven't thought about it in YEARS). I'm also learning a little bit of Auslan. It's a really cool language although I do find that my hands hurt after a while, I guess I'm just not used to it? Still trying to figure out which hand I'm meant to use for fingerspelling too, lol.
It's 5:30. I have a couple hours left in the day. I'm going to clean my room and watch Billy Elliot (and take notes). Wish me luck :)
i am going. to die.
the education system is. so deeply flawed i'm reconsidering becoming a teacher because while i do think it's important work. this shit sucks. maybe i just need to go and teach a math class to remember why i like it but like.... imagining being in a school for the rest of my life makes me want to Kill
anyways ill feel better once exam week is over. fucking trials. i want to cry im so tired and i still have ext ii to go,,,,
new webpage to cope.
HI. oh my god. it's been a while. over five months in fact. I had my final high school exams to deal with and maintaining a website really fell off the priority list. I'm back though! and it's so good to be back!
I got accepted into university!! A Bachelor of Mathematics. I'm so goddamn excited. This is my dream degree, and I really love the university I'll be attending. I'll miss some things about home but overall I'm really looking forward to this next stage of life. I don't start in-person courses until about July, because I'm deferring by a semester, but I'm taking one course online for this semester. I start at the end of this month! And in the meantime, I'm also doing a TAFE course on Auslan (Australian signed language). And working! I got accepted on probation (kinda, it's complicated) for a tutoring job with this company near me. I've met with the woman who runs it and she seems lovely, and anticipated a lot of my questions before I even brought them up :^) hopefully I'll start tutoring people within the next month!
There's other stuff going on, of course - I've had some health issues to deal with which have been particularly shitty. Something is going on with my sleep and I don't know what. But, I'm on a new medication now so fingers crossed that does.. something?
It's currently 2am. I'd like to be asleep but I just couldn't relax. I had a scary driving experience today (OH YEAH I ALSO CAN DRIVE NOW) and also, I've had awful nightmares this past week or so. Hence, deciding to open up neocities for the first time in ages just to have something to do. It's making me happy though! I remember why I loved it so much!
Anyways, that's about all I've got for now. Crazy that this site almost has 150 000 views. I'm sure most of those are bots, but still. And I came back to FORTY applications to the Queer Coded webring! Glad to see people have enjoyed the things I've made even while I was gone. I'll be checking my email email@example.com frequently again, so shoot me a message if you're still reading this journal :^)
The world is so big! Sometimes I get overwhelmed thinking about all my options.
Today I got a new tutoring client! A couple years ago, she was my sister's best friend, although I think they've drifted apart a little since then. She's lovely though - currently doing Advanced Math iirc. I'll be tutoring her over Zoom, so I got my drawing tablet set up and working again so I'll be able to write easier. It used to be super glitchy but since I've switched to Linux Mint it's been completely fine. Darn Windows. I should get myself set up with a Ko-Fi or something - then I could maybe set up a proper website for tutoring. I prefer in person of course but, yknow, driving is hard. >_>
The woman who runs the tutoring company I applied to said she'd get in contact "early February", so I am waiting somewhat-impatiently. I miss teaching! It's the thing I miss most about high school, being around people who could use my help. Here it's "do a trig problem for my dad once a month", which isn't really the same, obviously. She seems nice, and possibly decent about workers' rights? Which is nice. It's just a casual position, but I do get to choose my hours, and I'm hoping the pay is ok. My goal is to save $1000 before I have to go to uni - ideally more, because I'll probably need a down payment of some kind to rent. I know you're meant to get down payments back but I've heard enough horror stories of landlords to know I'll be lucky if I do. Eugh, I don't like thinking about finances. Not sure anyone does. One of these days I need to get down to Centrelink and figure out how much of a safety net I'll have.
My goal, for income, is $500 a week. That seems... manageable? I'm hoping to get a couple hundred a week from Centrelink, and I'll (hopefully) cover the rest with tutoring. If I can't, well, I guess I'll have to get a normal job. I've never had a normal job. The idea does kind of scare me. Hopefully it won't come to that, because it's hard enough for me to work when it's things I enjoy and care about, let alone some meaningless office work. Or washing dishes or being a cashier or something. Whoooo knoooows. I think I could maybe charge $30/hr as a private tutor, though, and that's not half bad.
I'm so excited and scared for uni. I don't know if I'll be able to keep up with any kind of normal workload. And I'm scared about living on my own - obviously I've never done that before. I'm learning to cook, and I'll have a support worker who can help with all that kind of thing, but... I don't know. I hope I'll be able to share rent with nice people. I don't know!! I've been looking forward to this for so long, and I'm still looking forward to it. Lots of conflicting emotions.
Today I was looking at exchange programs for UQ. I have this half-formed plan to study my Masters degree (in education) overseas. Maybe Scotland, or Ireland - though the close proximity to TERF island makes me nervous. If Scotland achieves independence though, I'd really strongly consider it. Partially because of the weather (it was forecasted to peak at THIRTY NINE FUCKING DEGREES CELSIUS here today) and partially because of the whole "fresh start" aspect. I do love Australia though. I don't love living here, exactly, but I am Australian and I think I always will be.
I don't know. Many options to choose from. I know I got very lucky in that sense. If I can maintain a good GPA and not fail any courses, I should be able to do pretty much whatever I want in terms of exchange programs, which is nice.
I know, for certain, that I'm not a woman. My connection to womanhood feels similar to my connection to, say, Judaism - I respect its adherents wholeheartedly and there are aspects of it that I find personally meaningful. But I'm just.. not that. To say therefore I'm a woman or I'm Jewish is inaccurate enough to be laughable. Sometimes I feel a kind of connection to manhood, but I struggle to tell whether that connection is to manhood or just the absence of womanhood. It would be convenient to be able to say that I'm definitely a man or definitely a woman - existing in this gray area often means I have to continually redefine myself and the space I take up.
I have my suspicions that gender is strongly linked to social connections and interactions and relationships. I don't know.. it's hard to put into words. I have this longing to take care of the people I love. I want to be able to cook, and manage a beautiful, welcoming home, and darn socks, and I want to pack a lunch for someone every morning. Is that a feminine trait? I want to know how to fix your car when it breaks, and put up a shelf, and help you paint your house, and pick you up from the airport, and pay for your lunch. Is that a masculine trait? I see an illustration of a man and a woman ballroom dancing, and I want to be the man, and I want to be the woman.
"Butch words for butch feelings", Leslie Feinberg wrote. I know what ze means. But I'm not butch, not really, or am I? If I was, would I still love dresses, and makeup, and pretty things? Would I still feel this deep-down immovable need to be held?
There's something very, very wrong with me. The problem is that I think that something is being human.
Also, I was up until like, 7am last night, and it was an insane day, and I fell asleep again at 12pm, and it was just weird all around. I'm feeling weird and kind of fucked up. In case you didn't notice. I feel like something's changed and things can never go back to how they were. Maybe I'm right or maybe I'm not. I hope I'm not. I liked things the way they were. I've been really happy these past few months.
I AM SO SO SO IN LOVE WITH YOU AND YOU SOMEHOW STILL HAVE NO IDEA AND I THINK I'M BREAKING MY OWN HEART
I'm moving out in less than a month! I've been looking forward to this since I was 11 years old and I am so so so scared. I've been approved for my second choice of place - about 1.5 hours by bus to the uni, shared with two others, i get my own office bedroom and bathroom. still waiting to hear about the first choice of place though - she said she'd get back to me by wednesday and I really have to respond to this offer like.. tomorrow. my first choice is SO COOL - it's a little studio that's been converted from an old train carriage, w/ kitchenette and bathroom. it's sofuckingcool and also only about an hour ten by bus to the uni. both options are good though!! i just want the train one more. either way though - i am so nervous! i can't even remember to brush my teeth every day! why am i being given a lease!
I know I'll figure it out once I get there but the waiting is killing me. trying to figure out what i'll need to bring and i just... don't know.
my moving date is set, officially, for may 14th. i didn't get the train studio, which is a shame, but i'm still excited about this place :^) i'm planning out how im going to lay out my furniture, and how i'm going to decorate it. i'll be bringing up my desk, a little set of drawers (storage) and possibly my bed - still figuring that out. i'm going up on either monday or tuesday to pick up the keys. signing the lease was scary - so many terms and conditions, i read through the whole thing. it specifically stated i can't use blu-tac :( so i'm going to have to find some other way to decorate - it's office-minimalist as hell and i can't live like that for very long.
currently housesitting for my friend, so trying to get some math done this weekend so i don't have to worry as much next week.
i am kind of freaking out! a lot! but i guess that's par for the course. now that it's actually coming down to it i don't want to move. but i kind of have to - i mean, obviously i have to now, i signed a lease, but i have to anyways to go to university. and i have to go to university - i don't know anything else i could do.
it's better to leave than to be left, but leaving still fucking sucks.
first night in my new house. cried only three times today; doing okay i think. lasagna for dinner, and salad. cos lettuce and dressing.
this was going to be a positive update! it's been a few days in the new place, doing... better than i thought, at least i'm eating kind of regularly and showering an acceptable amount. but then Z sent me a photo of his dog in his room and i was hit with the first real bout of homesickness since wednesday.. i can't shake the feeling that this is all wrong, that i'm not meant to be here, that something got twisted up somewhere and i have someone else's life. i don't live here. i think this house resents me living in it. everything is wrong. i want to go home but my room isn't there anymore. i miss my dog. can someone come pick me up? i want to go home.
people are so bloody complicated all of the time and i'm sick of it! every time i finally feel like i've got a grasp of where i stand in relation to to other people i feel like the floor gets pulled out from under me. especially with this person. godfuckingdamnit.
do any of you have that feeling too? i feel like i'm missing some ninth sense. i hate feeling childish like this, like all the adults are discussing something i only kind of half get. i should fucking know this by now.
but hey, i guess i don't. probably never will by the looks of it. the closest i can get is being aware of my own failings but that doesn't stop them being failings. i hate feeling like i've chosen the wrong dialogue option every day of my fucking life and i hate how much i rely on choosing the right one. i'm always almost there, almost confident, and then i put a foot wrong and suddenly it's all wrong.
fucked if i know. people can be so cruel and i don't get it. i think i understand why so many people characterise being autistic as a cage keeping the 'real you' locked up. it's not true, of course, you can't distinguish the me from the autism, but i understand the appeal of wishing you could. because the alternative is that it's just me, all the way down, and i'm deficit. which is not something i enjoy contemplating.
i moved again in august, so i'm 2 months now in a new flat. it's nice. i live alone now and i'm enjoying it, though a friend is moving in with me in december, so this is not permanent. still, things are going broadly well for me. tomorrow i get my first T shot: very exciting. got in a weird argument online today and i'm kind of upset about it. should have known that challenging the group consensus, even by asking a genuine question, wouldn't go well. hence why i'm on my computer at 11:30pm. normally i go to bed at 9:30. yes, i'm one of those early bedtime bitches now and im never going back to the 3am lifestyle on god
studying today! was at the uni from 8:30 to 4. it was kind of wet but managing both an umbrella AND a cane is too much for me so i just brought a flannel and a hat, and that worked okay. so sore/tired after trudging all over campus today tho: i swear, my knee is getting worse, not better. did okay with math though :^) think i might go to the state library sometime in the next few weeks to study.
in the hospital :( seems like theres not much wrong with me but i am freaking out a bit nonetheless due to the cannula and whatnot
FREE! i have been discharged i am waiting for my beloved friend to pick me up as he happened to be kind of nearby. trying very hard not to cry again and somewhat succeeding. rating of this experience: 3/10, it sucked but i got to go in an ambulance and the ECG was cool and i didn't have a heart attack or deep vein thrombosis. on the other hand cannula and THREE needles and orally administered local anaesthetic that i did not know was an anaesthetic. so i freaked the fuck out thinking i was having an allergic reaction. however i did survive it.
headacheeeeeeee :((( cant sleep :((( good news i forgot to share here tho,,,, centrelink FINALLY came through and acknowledged im disabled so my pension is now a liveable amount!! bought 2 albums in celebration (dark in here by the mountain goats and soaring through a world that is new, that is free by ava) and today i bought fruit at full price and a $2.50 beverage i didn't need to buy
do you ever want something so badly that it feels your guts are about to burst out your ribcage? because that has been me on-and-off my entire life.
i have had six needles in the past ten days feel like a pincushion but at least i am hpv immunised now
BEST FRIEND FINISHED HIGHSCHOOL SO HAPPY FOR HIM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! :DDD
holding tight to the belief that people are judged by their actions, not by their thoughts. i feel like i must be a worse person than average, but that is because i see all of my thoughts. it is much easier to act with virtue than to think with virtue. things that are harder are not by default better.
idk. i am trying so hard to do the right thing and act out of care and consideration and respect for myself and others. i do miss the simplicity of feelings-based morality ('if it feels right then it's good and christian and if it doesn't it's satanic') but i miss nothing else about it. a rancid way to live.
there are two thoughts circling in my head and they are very loud and they cannot be shared. and they are very scary. and i can't talk about them here.
sometimes i think about disappearing but i inevitably come to the conclusion that i don't want to disappear, i just want to be looked-for. i wonder if others feel the same terrifyingly strong wanting-to-be-wanted? do you, reader? let me know.
my voice is changing hella fast its kind of insane. i was told this would take minimum a month more likely 3 months before i noticed shit but like things are Happening. and i definitely did not have this much hair in places before. and also The Acne. things are so happening it is very exciting!!
major tone shift from yesterdays log aha its like that sometimes tho
Oh My God Can I Please Catch A Fucking Break Can Literally One Thing Go According To Plan.
i might have to move. again. broke my mums heart. again. this week is just straight L's one after another. worried that im becoming the kind of person i abhor (puts all their shit onto other people). i am going. to cry. but i cant do that either cause im sleeping on a mattress on the floor in my parents living room tonight.
convinced that i am Just A Bit Too Much. i do not know how to be less though. i continue to hold my tongue and not ask for the things i want with allconsuming desperation and try to be content with what i have.
i should not ask for this. asking for this is a terrible idea. i want to, so so badly, but i already know what the answer will be so i do not.
anyways, i definitely have to move. it's confirmed. hey, at least i'll be in The Big City, finally?
difficult to imagine anyone regarding me with feelings stronger than a gentle amusement
back at my parents house. wasnt sure before but i am now: They Do Not Want Me Here. christ. this is difficult to reckon with. i knew that this would suck ass but i didn't realise it would be this fucking dramatic dude
thinking about leaving for home at 8am tomorrow..
my whole life i have had the deep seated feeling "it will work out okay". this has served me well on many occasions and so far it always has worked out okay (kind of) (in the end). but this apartment-hunting, man... i'm worried about it.
yesterday was horrific. things keep Happening. hoping next week will be less dramatic.
tried to distract myself from The Everything by signing up for a dating app but i forgot how much i hate for-profit social media and that is basically what this is. oops. also i am kind of too scared to do anything
have done the math, there is No Way things can time according to the original plan. i am sad and frustrated about this but it DOES relieve a great deal of stress. can stop looking at every shitty 2 bedroom on the market.
brain was going to explode so today i took a break from the worries and just did household and website things. was fulfilling. feeling much improved.. have to make dinner soon.
today felt like i was thinking through soup? very hard to string thoughts together. i'm not entirely sure why. managed to sort some stuff out while support worker was here this morning and then just played video games for the rest of the day (stardew valley)
going to make macaroni with maybe a beschamel for dinner. hoping the fog clears tomorrow. i think maybe its partly bc of the weather that i cant think straight
i dunno man i wish all of this could just, go away. thought i had a therappy appointment today but got the date wrong. so.. tired.
today continued the streak of difficult but i did manage to get my ass into the city went to the TMR (DMV equivalent, for americans) and also went swimming :)
30/11/23 (last one)
HOLY FUCK I THINK I MAYBE JUST SOLVED THE PROBLEM. i dont know for sure if this will work. but i... kind of think it might.
i will find out, tomorrow i think. tomorrow morning even. if i am brave enough to ask. dear god let this work let this work let this work
looked at a house today it was so nice but i am not hopeful we will get it. the next week will be rough but then hopefully we will be out of trouble
making challah and tofu-and-tomato soup today with friend, i'm excited! currently sitting in his room waiting for him to arrive back from shops
solidified my christmas plans (mostly) today. theres 1 person i still have not figured out but the rest i am Set
yesterday was awesome :> saw phosphorescent phytoplankton at the beach... incredible.
today i am so so so tired and it is so so so warm but at least i'm back at my own house finally? need to get groceries.... theres almost no food here whoops
RELIEF. OH MY GOD. ITS SORTED
my landlords have agreed to what i originally hoped would be the case,,,, $125 extra pw in exchange for friend moving into spare room,,,,,,,,, deepest sigh of relief oh my god this is like 80% of my problems solved i can stop worryingggggg
recovering... beginning to feel like a human instead of a pile of miseries again.
so, so tired though. tomorrow will be good i hope.
had a weird fucking dream man. homeschooler reunion at the park which led to a weirdly sexually charged interaction with this girl i used to know and then there was a dog? and then driving to drop the dog off and columbo was there?? and then it devolved into straight up a horror movie the elevator bits were scaryyyy dude i was freaking out. and then woke up 10 minutes before my alarm
anyways today i'm going to spotlight that will be fun i think
im so fucking functional this morning its 0935 and ive showered washed a load of laundry and hung it out to dry did the dishes and did a row of crochet and i'm about to make breakfast (poached eggs + tea + toast). AND checked my email! im slaying
sleepyyyyyy. have to make breakfast and get dressed but i dont want to...
busy day today! housemate moves in tomorrow so i'm preparing for that, had a physio appointment already, and now i'm getting ready for an online job interview at 1:30pm. i have to memorise and deliver a script for it so im frantically doing that! wish me luck :>
so, so tired... stress of the past month catching up with me now there's not so much to be stressed about, i guess. time to grind christmas presents lmao
didn't get the job</3 thats ok i didnt want it that badly
pleasant day planned :> decorating the house for christmas
might pick up some balsamic vinegar and toothpaste at the shops as well
it remains Too God Fuck Damn Hot. but we persevere. less bad today
scrambling to get all christmas presents done in time... i am so Tired man
i need attention so bad all the time why am i LIKE THISSSS. i need to just go to bed probably and i will feel better but i dont want to face my thoughts with the lights out. im just being dramatic probably idk. more than anything i wish i was driving nowhere in particular with deadoat right now. the dead of night just us on the road listening to cd. this is the first christmas i am actively dreading. please someone be obsessed with me
if nobody has said anything to me by 2330 i will go to sleep.
feel that vague undefined Something Is Wrong!!! feeling but i dont know what the hell it is... probably lack of sleep. i feel so unsettled.
got an email from my american grandmother talking about the devil's hold on my life and the rapture and also how i shouldn't let my 'aspergers' define me. i dunno man i know she cares i know they all care but it's rough.
shoutout housemate,,, made breakfast AND lunch for me. and is understanding that i am feeling a little asocial. not quite sure what to do with myself, i guess keep working on these presents for these people i don't want to see.
christmas adam,,,, catching the bus down to my parents' house today. feeling 😬 about it. we shall see how i go hopefully it is surviveable and not too distressing. we shall see.
tomorrow i will see deadoat though we're going to spend the evening together after he finishes work i am looking forward to it
christmas eve..... just. (has just passed midnight) there is so much tangled up in my little head i would very much like to sleep but The Thoughts Are Loud. so instead i am on computer (thoughts are quieter when doing something)
this used to be my favourite day of the year:( still looking forward to tomorrow night (tonight? idk in like 20ish hours) when i can see deadoat but like... i dunno. many feelings about it i wish christmas was uncomplicated for me again
so happy to have heard from N though :> (if youre reading this HI. :)) have missed them perhaps more than i realised there is so much i am excited to tell them about. this is good i am happy about it but it is also adding to the tangled feelings soup rip
just had the thought, i hope to god my parents dont remember this url..
just got back from deadoat's house,,, it was nice it was good to spend time with him. morale boosting (sorely needed) and also POOL i love the water so much :>
i, shouldnt do this. but i WANT to just say fuck it and spend the whole day with his family tomorrow..
we shall see
oh fuck it's past midnight. merry christmas
BIG WEBSITE NEWS. I NOW OWN A RASBPI,,, SELF HOSTING IS NOW IMMINENT
i made it i survived christmas... one more day. if i can just avoid my aunt and uncle i think i will be okay. i want to go home so badly and i do not want to come back for as long as possible
one more day one more day one more day its 10am already i just gotta get through like 12 hours thats doable i can do it one more day
almost almost almost home... had a nice time with my cousins this evening:) it is a shame i could not spend more time with them a shame i could not go to this rollerskating event on the 30th and a shame i cannot spend new years with deadoat. however.... i feel like i am being shredded to pieces.
Oh My God I Feel Like A Person Again Instead Of A Pile Of Desiccated Coconut
it''s good to be home
i just took a 4-5 hour unplanned nap and it was awesome.. had dinner and now i think im gonna go to sleep again tbh. catching up (have not slept more than 4 hours consecutively for the past 5 days)
today was pretty good tbh,,, happy with what i got done. im trying to get my whole life in order before the new year haha
tomorrow: laundry + desk
a little tired + a little worried today but we push onwards.. did all my responsibilities so now i am reading my book. it is interesting but takes a lot of effort and thought
writing this from the mall, hanging out here waiting for my bus (missed it by ten minutes, so now i have to wait 50). today has been a nice day i think but it went SO FAST omg. how is it already nearly 6pm??!?
last year i tried CGP Grey's suggestion of themes instead of resolutions, and it worked pretty well for me - did a year of health and i am indeed feeling much more on top of things in that regard. i know he suggests "seasons" instead of years but seasons are kind of nebulous to me, so i am just going to divide this year into quarters instead - so my first theme will cover january-february-march.
my theme for this quarter is purpose. whatever i do, i want to choose to do it, not just fall into it. would like to choose what i spend my time on; if i stay up until 3am i want that to be a conscious decision not something that just happens to me. (...basically i want to not have adhd i guess.) i am going to schedule in a reminder to myself every 2 weeks to check in and see how im going with it :)
when i do manage to do things with purpose i feel universally better lol so im hoping this works well.
hungry as fuck all the time cause hrt,, so i made not one but two breakfast sandwich
they were good:] i am now, full of egg and sausage and toast
good morning! it's a new year! and it is so delightfully wet outside. nice and cool. i have no plans yet for today but it is full of promise!
today i went to the shops and spent *four hours* drawing! it was good:)
gah i need to do more things, being at home has been nice but ?!?! i need to keep busy
today the gas canister ran out WHILE I WAS COOKING. very sad i had to pause & spend an hour going to the shops to get more canisters
fucken exhausted,,,, i know why its bc i havent been sleeping enough + have had nightmares but like whyyyyyyy augh. things are okay i just wish i wasnt so tired
gosh for a guy who has so many hobbies that sie loves i sure do... a whole lot of nothing. i don't get it. why don't i do things?
always enjoy it when i do do things. i love sewing i love listening to new music i love reading i love thinking i love working on this site i love cooking.. why don't i do more of those things?
joys of today:
- wrote a letter
- successfully enacted a Home Repair (changed the toilet seat)
- got new books at the state library
- called friend on phone
- finished cropping/hemming shirt after meaning to for ages
- birds were loud
- rain was nice
- saw the most astoundingly undeniably gay guy i have ever seen in my life and fell briefly in love (and then he didn't get off at my stop</3)
- almost slept through the night! only woke up once. bad dreams werent too bad
- got my external disk drive working !!! burned 7 cds:)
today was so lovely... i'm not even mad about being obviously checked out by two different middle aged men the rest of it was so nice
have 2 remember that some of my skirts fit me differently now tho lol they sit a bit higher -> a bit shorter
oh my god so SLEEPY . AUGH. tomorrow going to centrelink 333
today has been kind of a blur but im getting better at like,,,, planning things i think. and not avoiding stuff until it becomes a massive issue. kind of
heat exhaustion (again) why :(
feeling lost.... feeling the pressing desire to reinvent myself, but reinvent myself into who? and who am i if i'm not trying to shape myself into the most interesting and palatable shape possible for the latest person i'm trying to impress? i don't know how to live without an audience.
i'd like to, though. happier that way. and i want to keep doing interesting things. i'm doing like... really well, and i'm scared for the inevitable crash. i don't know, i never know, maybe this time it will stick...?
i was curious to see if having a friend who is also my housemate would fill my social meter, but it seems not. there's something to be said for intense, focused social activity with person you don't see that often, rather than extended low-level social activity with person you live with... it's interesting.
god i wish i didn't need this much sleep. i need like 9 hours minimum every night to feel like myself and that's just,,,,, so much agh
FINALLY CLEANED THE GOD FUCK DAMN BATHROOM. dandelion flat is fighting a losing battle against mold tbh everything is chipboard and also slightly damp all the time. but doing our best to turn back the tide
an abridged list of shit i found in my "sock drawer" (i think i need to give up on calling it that):
- novelty socks (unworn)
- contact lenses (expired)
- contact lenses (not expired)
- three glasses cleaning cloths
- box for tarot cards - just the box, no cards
- random sentimental papers
- toilet paper
- nail polish
- hairclips (i dont have any hair.)
- knee braces (too small)
- like 6 masks
- a letter from medicare
- two pairs of stockings
- three beanies i thought id lost
- four different sets of fingerless gloves
- five kandi worms
- rainbow suspenders
- binder + crop tops (i knew those were there, at least)
- random piece of cloth x2
- gross looking strepsils that i threw out
- two pairs of glasses
things i did not find there: socks (other than the aforementioned unworn novelty ones)... i have reorganised it and now it closes easily, which is a win! and i actually know what's kept in there now.
good day today👍 hopefully good day tomorrow too
i have GOT to dress more fucked up
so hot today,,,,, wishing friend well,,,, planning the semester
upon learning i dont have to leave tomorrow i have been hit with the Post Stress Beam and i feel BAD dude nauseous as hell headache etc etc
need to sleep for a million billion years (14 hours)
i went to the local pool today !! $4.20 (nice) so not an everyday activity but perhaps once or twice a fortnight. i am like.... really bad at swimming. its not a pretty sight. but i like splashing around and it was only a little bit embarrassing that i had to stop and rest 2-4 times in order to swim 50m.... i'd like to get better at it so i think i will try and go again. exercise feels good, even though it fucks up my knee a bit, and it's been so hot lately.
tomorrow, cleaning day.
first all nighter of 2024 got me feeling like,,,,,, languid and lustful (weird combo) and also sore in the joints (ready for chronic knee pain to cease its chronicness to be Quite Honest)
maybe i will resuscitate my okcupid account but that sounds like so much effort lol
spending today at university, i dont have any work i just want the airconditioning its meant to be like 38 degrees at hottest today
having a private little frustrated cry in the disability collective rooms at the university... my hand hurts and i'm tired and i get treated as a second class student at the university i pay tuition for.
from the bus stop to campus theres this set of stairs that goes up through the union complex. there *is* an elevator, but it's unreliable and is frequently out of order. today it was out of order: i got here fairly early (9amish) so luckily it wasnt too busy and i could slowly and carefully haul myself up the stairs. the disability collective rooms are at the bottom of this set of stairs. so when i was finished at the library and decided i want to go to the DisCo rooms, I had to go back to the same set of stairs.
elevator was still out of order - not unexpected, so i went to face the stairs. there was some kind of tour on, so it was so fucken busy,,, i was holding up like 20 people. but whatever. they can wait it wont kill them. HOWEVER. to go down stairs i have to lean really heavily on the handrail with my left. but the handrail is metal and its 40 fucktillion degrees (like 38C ish) so it was SO HOT,,, but i had no choice :| so i burnt my hand quite badly and it still really hurts. which is problematic because i have my cane in my right hand all the time! i need my left to like, hold stuff! do things! but it HURTS! :(
sad and angry and upset and embarrassed i hate inaccessibility
got to witness some good oldfashioned lowstakes discord drama today it was a breath of fresh air i won't lie
met my new support worker today... idk how i feel about her. god i wish i could have a trans support worker i am so sick of being a novelty to all these people. im sure shes nice its just. augh.
explodes. not oversharing is so hard but dude if ive got a thought its gotta go somewhere,,,,, but some things you cant just drop on a cold open in someones dms like it would just be inconsiderate of me
fucked with my hair on purpose today and i kind of love it,,,,, cant believe ive never tried a mohawk before
just after midnight dude im so sleepy but tonight was fun,,, everyone else is still awake but i need to go the fuck 2 sleep
it's so fucking moldy and damp in this fucking house i hate the humidity so much i feel sick and i cant sleep FUCK
first day of february.. time passes so quickly. it is just after midnight my room is mostly cleaned of mold but smells very strongly of bleach. i am tired but not sleepy. i feel weirdly alone i don't like being the only one in my bed. tomorrow will be good i hope. i wish i could sleep.
feeling vague floaty out of it. this is the part of the show where i typically vegetate in my room for a few days and then pull myself together but because my room is Afflicted(tm) i cannot do this..... so i just feel weird and untethered.hm.
let it be known,,,, GOOD DAY TODAY! piano day!!!!! wonderful!!! and i got a referral to have a sleep study done and i booked appointments with my potential new therapist!
things are good!
going back to my parents' house tonight - only for two nights, so i can get to this appointment. worried, wish me luck...
can't sleep aagh the frogs are too loud i'm not used to them anymore. n this isnt my house
today was good i am surprised,,, felt almost normal im relieved
getting nervous/excited for semester aaaa!!!!! next week!!!! o-week activities this week it will be good i hope!!!!!!!!
i wanted to tell you all about the awesome and easy and cost efficient sauce i made last night its SO easy it takes literally 5 minutes no chopping everything is shelf stable or frozen its so easy
1. add to saucepan: 1 can of diced tomatoes, 2 teaspoons of stock powder, a cup or so of frozen veg (the peas/corn/carrots kind is my preference), about 200g of tuna, salt, pepper
2. put on stove until heated up and vegetables defrosted
thats it its so easy and it tastes great i highly recommend it
i really like muse ariadne but i think i'm going to do it in zine form instead and maybe take scans every so often... would really like to get into zinemaking and this is the right chance i think
good day yesterday but bad dreams. why does this keep happening?
i hate sleeping alone.
did a lot of cleaning and sewing today feeling good
TODAY WAS AWESOME i made FRIENDS i have to figure out how to get whatsapp now though.
GOOD DAY. finally we are out of financial trouble. weight off my shoulders that was the Last Big Problem and now i can get on with the business of having the best fucking time I can
first week of uni over... feeling pretty good! i know it will get busier from here but so far everything is manageable.
slowly meeting people in math1071 which is nice:) i hope the lectures will get less crowded though lol
alas a lot less time to work on website but that's okay it will come and go with time. will do a more detailed entry later just checking in yeah im still alive