26.11.23
tried to distract myself from The Everything by signing up for a dating app but i forgot how much i hate for-profit social media and that is basically what this is. oops. also i am kind of too scared to do anything

have done the math, there is No Way things can time according to the original plan. i am sad and frustrated about this but it DOES relieve a great deal of stress. can stop looking at every shitty 2 bedroom on the market.

25.11.23
my whole life i have had the deep seated feeling "it will work out okay". this has served me well on many occasions and so far it always has worked out okay (kind of) (in the end). but this apartment-hunting, man... i'm worried about it.

yesterday was horrific. things keep Happening. hoping next week will be less dramatic.

23.11.23b
back at my parents house. wasnt sure before but i am now: They Do Not Want Me Here. christ. this is difficult to reckon with. i knew that this would suck ass but i didn't realise it would be this fucking dramatic dude

thinking about leaving for home at 8am tomorrow..

23.11.23
difficult to imagine anyone regarding me with feelings stronger than a gentle amusement

22.11.23
convinced that i am Just A Bit Too Much. i do not know how to be less though. i continue to hold my tongue and not ask for the things i want with allconsuming desperation and try to be content with what i have.

i should not ask for this. asking for this is a terrible idea. i want to, so so badly, but i already know what the answer will be so i do not.

anyways, i definitely have to move. it's confirmed. hey, at least i'll be in The Big City, finally?

14.11.23
Oh My God Can I Please Catch A Fucking Break Can Literally One Thing Go According To Plan.

i might have to move. again. broke my mums heart. again. this week is just straight L's one after another. worried that im becoming the kind of person i abhor (puts all their shit onto other people). i am going. to cry. but i cant do that either cause im sleeping on a mattress on the floor in my parents living room tonight.

12.11.23
my voice is changing hella fast its kind of insane. i was told this would take minimum a month more likely 3 months before i noticed shit but like things are Happening. and i definitely did not have this much hair in places before. and also The Acne. things are so happening it is very exciting!!

major tone shift from yesterdays log aha its like that sometimes tho

11.11.23
holding tight to the belief that people are judged by their actions, not by their thoughts. i feel like i must be a worse person than average, but that is because i see all of my thoughts. it is much easier to act with virtue than to think with virtue. things that are harder are not by default better.

idk. i am trying so hard to do the right thing and act out of care and consideration and respect for myself and others. i do miss the simplicity of feelings-based morality ('if it feels right then it's good and christian and if it doesn't it's satanic') but i miss nothing else about it. a rancid way to live.

there are two thoughts circling in my head and they are very loud and they cannot be shared. and they are very scary. and i can't talk about them here.

sometimes i think about disappearing but i inevitably come to the conclusion that i don't want to disappear, i just want to be looked-for. i wonder if others feel the same terrifyingly strong wanting-to-be-wanted? do you, reader? let me know.

6.11.23
BEST FRIEND FINISHED HIGHSCHOOL SO HAPPY FOR HIM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! :DDD

3.11.23
i have had six needles in the past ten days feel like a pincushion but at least i am hpv immunised now

1.11.23
do you ever want something so badly that it feels your guts are about to burst out your ribcage? because that has been me on-and-off my entire life.

31.10.23
headacheeeeeeee :((( cant sleep :((( good news i forgot to share here tho,,,, centrelink FINALLY came through and acknowledged im disabled so my pension is now a liveable amount!! bought 2 albums in celebration (dark in here by the mountain goats and soaring through a world that is new, that is free by ava) and today i bought fruit at full price and a $2.50 beverage i didn't need to buy

29.10.23b
FREE! i have been discharged i am waiting for my beloved friend to pick me up as he happened to be kind of nearby. trying very hard not to cry again and somewhat succeeding. rating of this experience: 3/10, it sucked but i got to go in an ambulance and the ECG was cool and i didn't have a heart attack or deep vein thrombosis. on the other hand cannula and THREE needles and orally administered local anaesthetic that i did not know was an anaesthetic. so i freaked the fuck out thinking i was having an allergic reaction. however i did survive it.

29.10.23
in the hospital :( seems like theres not much wrong with me but i am freaking out a bit nonetheless due to the cannula and whatnot

27.10.23
studying today! was at the uni from 8:30 to 4. it was kind of wet but managing both an umbrella AND a cane is too much for me so i just brought a flannel and a hat, and that worked okay. so sore/tired after trudging all over campus today tho: i swear, my knee is getting worse, not better. did okay with math though :^) think i might go to the state library sometime in the next few weeks to study.

24.10.23
i moved again in august, so i'm 2 months now in a new flat. it's nice. i live alone now and i'm enjoying it, though a friend is moving in with me in december, so this is not permanent. still, things are going broadly well for me. tomorrow i get my first T shot: very exciting. got in a weird argument online today and i'm kind of upset about it. should have known that challenging the group consensus, even by asking a genuine question, wouldn't go well. hence why i'm on my computer at 11:30pm. normally i go to bed at 9:30. yes, i'm one of those early bedtime bitches now and im never going back to the 3am lifestyle on god

27.5.23
people are so bloody complicated all of the time and i'm sick of it! every time i finally feel like i've got a grasp of where i stand in relation to to other people i feel like the floor gets pulled out from under me. especially with this person. godfuckingdamnit.

do any of you have that feeling too? i feel like i'm missing some ninth sense. i hate feeling childish like this, like all the adults are discussing something i only kind of half get. i should fucking know this by now.

but hey, i guess i don't. probably never will by the looks of it. the closest i can get is being aware of my own failings but that doesn't stop them being failings. i hate feeling like i've chosen the wrong dialogue option every day of my fucking life and i hate how much i rely on choosing the right one. i'm always almost there, almost confident, and then i put a foot wrong and suddenly it's all wrong.

fucked if i know. people can be so cruel and i don't get it. i think i understand why so many people characterise being autistic as a cage keeping the 'real you' locked up. it's not true, of course, you can't distinguish the me from the autism, but i understand the appeal of wishing you could. because the alternative is that it's just me, all the way down, and i'm deficit. which is not something i enjoy contemplating.

23.5.23
this was going to be a positive update! it's been a few days in the new place, doing... better than i thought, at least i'm eating kind of regularly and showering an acceptable amount. but then Z sent me a photo of his dog in his room and i was hit with the first real bout of homesickness since wednesday.. i can't shake the feeling that this is all wrong, that i'm not meant to be here, that something got twisted up somewhere and i have someone else's life. i don't live here. i think this house resents me living in it. everything is wrong. i want to go home but my room isn't there anymore. i miss my dog. can someone come pick me up? i want to go home.

17.5.23
first night in my new house. cried only three times today; doing okay i think. lasagna for dinner, and salad. cos lettuce and dressing.

3.5.23
it's better to leave than to be left, but leaving still fucking sucks.

28.4.23
i am kind of freaking out! a lot! but i guess that's par for the course. now that it's actually coming down to it i don't want to move. but i kind of have to - i mean, obviously i have to now, i signed a lease, but i have to anyways to go to university. and i have to go to university - i don't know anything else i could do.

21.4.23
my moving date is set, officially, for may 14th. i didn't get the train studio, which is a shame, but i'm still excited about this place :^) i'm planning out how im going to lay out my furniture, and how i'm going to decorate it. i'll be bringing up my desk, a little set of drawers (storage) and possibly my bed - still figuring that out. i'm going up on either monday or tuesday to pick up the keys. signing the lease was scary - so many terms and conditions, i read through the whole thing. it specifically stated i can't use blu-tac :( so i'm going to have to find some other way to decorate - it's office-minimalist as hell and i can't live like that for very long.

currently housesitting for my friend, so trying to get some math done this weekend so i don't have to worry as much next week.

16.4.23
I'm moving out in less than a month! I've been looking forward to this since I was 11 years old and I am so so so scared. I've been approved for my second choice of place - about 1.5 hours by bus to the uni, shared with two others, i get my own office bedroom and bathroom. still waiting to hear about the first choice of place though - she said she'd get back to me by wednesday and I really have to respond to this offer like.. tomorrow. my first choice is SO COOL - it's a little studio that's been converted from an old train carriage, w/ kitchenette and bathroom. it's sofuckingcool and also only about an hour ten by bus to the uni. both options are good though!! i just want the train one more. either way though - i am so nervous! i can't even remember to brush my teeth every day! why am i being given a lease!

I know I'll figure it out once I get there but the waiting is killing me. trying to figure out what i'll need to bring and i just... don't know.

10.3.23
I AM SO SO SO IN LOVE WITH YOU AND YOU SOMEHOW STILL HAVE NO IDEA AND I THINK I'M BREAKING MY OWN HEART

12.2.23
I know, for certain, that I'm not a woman. My connection to womanhood feels similar to my connection to, say, Judaism - I respect its adherents wholeheartedly and there are aspects of it that I find personally meaningful. But I'm just.. not that. To say therefore I'm a woman or I'm Jewish is inaccurate enough to be laughable. Sometimes I feel a kind of connection to manhood, but I struggle to tell whether that connection is to manhood or just the absence of womanhood. It would be convenient to be able to say that I'm definitely a man or definitely a woman - existing in this gray area often means I have to continually redefine myself and the space I take up.

I have my suspicions that gender is strongly linked to social connections and interactions and relationships. I don't know.. it's hard to put into words. I have this longing to take care of the people I love. I want to be able to cook, and manage a beautiful, welcoming home, and darn socks, and I want to pack a lunch for someone every morning. Is that a feminine trait? I want to know how to fix your car when it breaks, and put up a shelf, and help you paint your house, and pick you up from the airport, and pay for your lunch. Is that a masculine trait? I see an illustration of a man and a woman ballroom dancing, and I want to be the man, and I want to be the woman.

"Butch words for butch feelings", Leslie Feinberg wrote. I know what ze means. But I'm not butch, not really, or am I? If I was, would I still love dresses, and makeup, and pretty things? Would I still feel this deep-down immovable need to be held?

There's something very, very wrong with me. The problem is that I think that something is being human.

Also, I was up until like, 7am last night, and it was an insane day, and I fell asleep again at 12pm, and it was just weird all around. I'm feeling weird and kind of fucked up. In case you didn't notice. I feel like something's changed and things can never go back to how they were. Maybe I'm right or maybe I'm not. I hope I'm not. I liked things the way they were. I've been really happy these past few months.

3.2.23
The world is so big! Sometimes I get overwhelmed thinking about all my options.

Today I got a new tutoring client! A couple years ago, she was my sister's best friend, although I think they've drifted apart a little since then. She's lovely though - currently doing Advanced Math iirc. I'll be tutoring her over Zoom, so I got my drawing tablet set up and working again so I'll be able to write easier. It used to be super glitchy but since I've switched to Linux Mint it's been completely fine. Darn Windows. I should get myself set up with a Ko-Fi or something - then I could maybe set up a proper website for tutoring. I prefer in person of course but, yknow, driving is hard. >_>

The woman who runs the tutoring company I applied to said she'd get in contact "early February", so I am waiting somewhat-impatiently. I miss teaching! It's the thing I miss most about high school, being around people who could use my help. Here it's "do a trig problem for my dad once a month", which isn't really the same, obviously. She seems nice, and possibly decent about workers' rights? Which is nice. It's just a casual position, but I do get to choose my hours, and I'm hoping the pay is ok. My goal is to save $1000 before I have to go to uni - ideally more, because I'll probably need a down payment of some kind to rent. I know you're meant to get down payments back but I've heard enough horror stories of landlords to know I'll be lucky if I do. Eugh, I don't like thinking about finances. Not sure anyone does. One of these days I need to get down to Centrelink and figure out how much of a safety net I'll have.

My goal, for income, is $500 a week. That seems... manageable? I'm hoping to get a couple hundred a week from Centrelink, and I'll (hopefully) cover the rest with tutoring. If I can't, well, I guess I'll have to get a normal job. I've never had a normal job. The idea does kind of scare me. Hopefully it won't come to that, because it's hard enough for me to work when it's things I enjoy and care about, let alone some meaningless office work. Or washing dishes or being a cashier or something. Whoooo knoooows. I think I could maybe charge $30/hr as a private tutor, though, and that's not half bad.

I'm so excited and scared for uni. I don't know if I'll be able to keep up with any kind of normal workload. And I'm scared about living on my own - obviously I've never done that before. I'm learning to cook, and I'll have a support worker who can help with all that kind of thing, but... I don't know. I hope I'll be able to share rent with nice people. I don't know!! I've been looking forward to this for so long, and I'm still looking forward to it. Lots of conflicting emotions.

Today I was looking at exchange programs for UQ. I have this half-formed plan to study my Masters degree (in education) overseas. Maybe Scotland, or Ireland - though the close proximity to TERF island makes me nervous. If Scotland achieves independence though, I'd really strongly consider it. Partially because of the weather (it was forecasted to peak at THIRTY NINE FUCKING DEGREES CELSIUS here today) and partially because of the whole "fresh start" aspect. I do love Australia though. I don't love living here, exactly, but I am Australian and I think I always will be.

I don't know. Many options to choose from. I know I got very lucky in that sense. If I can maintain a good GPA and not fail any courses, I should be able to do pretty much whatever I want in terms of exchange programs, which is nice.

1.2.23
HI. oh my god. it's been a while. over five months in fact. I had my final high school exams to deal with and maintaining a website really fell off the priority list. I'm back though! and it's so good to be back!

I got accepted into university!! A Bachelor of Mathematics. I'm so goddamn excited. This is my dream degree, and I really love the university I'll be attending. I'll miss some things about home but overall I'm really looking forward to this next stage of life. I don't start in-person courses until about July, because I'm deferring by a semester, but I'm taking one course online for this semester. I start at the end of this month! And in the meantime, I'm also doing a TAFE course on Auslan (Australian signed language). And working! I got accepted on probation (kinda, it's complicated) for a tutoring job with this company near me. I've met with the woman who runs it and she seems lovely, and anticipated a lot of my questions before I even brought them up :^) hopefully I'll start tutoring people within the next month!

There's other stuff going on, of course - I've had some health issues to deal with which have been particularly shitty. Something is going on with my sleep and I don't know what. But, I'm on a new medication now so fingers crossed that does.. something?

It's currently 2am. I'd like to be asleep but I just couldn't relax. I had a scary driving experience today (OH YEAH I ALSO CAN DRIVE NOW) and also, I've had awful nightmares this past week or so. Hence, deciding to open up neocities for the first time in ages just to have something to do. It's making me happy though! I remember why I loved it so much!

Anyways, that's about all I've got for now. Crazy that this site almost has 150 000 views. I'm sure most of those are bots, but still. And I came back to FORTY applications to the Queer Coded webring! Glad to see people have enjoyed the things I've made even while I was gone. I'll be checking my email specialagentdanascully@protonmail.com frequently again, so shoot me a message if you're still reading this journal :^)

25.8.22
i am going. to die.

the education system is. so deeply flawed i'm reconsidering becoming a teacher because while i do think it's important work. this shit sucks. maybe i just need to go and teach a math class to remember why i like it but like.... imagining being in a school for the rest of my life makes me want to Kill

anyways ill feel better once exam week is over. fucking trials. i want to cry im so tired and i still have ext ii to go,,,,

new webpage to cope.

20.8.22
Feeling significantly better about English. Exams start on Monday and end on Friday, so it will literally be my busiest week EVER in terms of schoolwork. I'm feeling mostly okay about it given the circumstances but... ugh.

Can feel the hyperfixation juices rising. I'm fighting back a Miraculous Ladybug hyperfixation with a stick (it was my old special interest but I haven't thought about it in YEARS). I'm also learning a little bit of Auslan. It's a really cool language although I do find that my hands hurt after a while, I guess I'm just not used to it? Still trying to figure out which hand I'm meant to use for fingerspelling too, lol.

It's 5:30. I have a couple hours left in the day. I'm going to clean my room and watch Billy Elliot (and take notes). Wish me luck :)

15.8.22
I'm hiking. I've been hiking for a while, and I'm out of shape. My chest hurts, my legs hurt. It would be so easy just to stop for a minute. Just to rest for a second. Let myself catch my breath. But I know if I stop, the trip will catch up to me and I'll need more than a minute. I have to get to the top of this hill soon, but if I stop, I might not have enough time. I had a reason to get to the top of the hill, but I'm so tired. I keep alternating between "is this really worth all this effort?" and reminding myself "here are the xyz reasons you're climbing this hill". Everyone around me says to just catch my breath, I'll be able to go on so much better if I just take a minute! But it won't just be a minute, it will be half an hour, and by then it'll be too late. So I keep walking and trying to ignore or trying to lean into the pain.

This is a metaphor.

24.7.22
firstly, wow, 50 000 views as logged by neocities. i do try not to pay attention to that number as i know it's not an accurate estimate of the number of visitors, but still pretty cool, yknow? i can't believe i only started this site in March. it's been a great time so far and a very cool gateway into vaguely retro technology (cassettes, records, mp3 players, brick phones). i've also learned a lot about accessibility!

in personal news, i am Sick (tm). i have the worlds most annoying cold and my throat hurts from coughing... not fun. i've been using this time as an excuse to work on my battle jacket, adding the first couple of patches (Mem., i want to make a page about that). 14/20 so far! not sure what to do once the general patches are on, maybe make some more niche ones and add other funky stuff. im not sure about studs yet, but we'll see. i also (mostly) finished another sweatervest - kind of feels like a binder tbh, it's quite tight, but the pressure is nice and i think it looks cool.

i want to do an experiment - one week without computer, except as absolutely necessary. i don't like how much time i spend on here, and how the time just disappears. friday night and most of saturday i was successful in avoiding the internet - until saturday evening when i was too sick to do anything but watch a movie. also, i wanted to check discord. but for the short amount of time i managed it, it was really nice!! i spent a lot of time on creative projects and even did a little schoolwork. feeling super positive about it and when i get back to school, i'll be resuming the test. maybe with the caveat that movies and email are okay though, just not discord/tumblr/neocities.

going to maybe do the battle jacket page tomorrow.. will see (depends on schoolwork). x isaac

20.7.22
Dear diary,

I Am At My Fucking Limit.

I understand that yes, it's past 9pm and you're not meant to trust any negative thoughts you have past 9pm, but also. man. it's school tomorrow and i cannot!! fucking do this anymore!!!!! i am so close and im just. holding onto that. god i hate this school so so so much. i am so sick of everyone thinking i don't put any effort in and just sit at home on my laptop doing fuckall, i am sick of everyone acting as though the school's transphobia is somehow my fault, i am SICK of 'help' that does nothing. sick of asking for help!!!! i ask for help and i don't fucking get any!!!! "just ask for help" WHAT MORE DO YOU WANT ME TO DO adhd is a curse and school is a prison and im going to lose my shit if uni is like this too. fuck. anyways.

18.7.22
well, i'm 17! happy birthday me :3 had the absolute loveliest time with a small-ish group of friends.

1.7.22
I've never seen any of Technoblade's videos, but he was one of my friend's favourite Youtubers. His death has been weirdly upsetting considering I don't really know much about him at all. Rest in peace, Alex.

1.7.22b

also, school holidays!!!!! i am off school for two and a bit weeks!!!! going to have 3 sleepovers (one with n one with z one with n and z) (yes, there are only 2 people i talk to regularly, what of it) and celebrate my birthday on one of them. very exciting i am going to be 17 which is,,, in the scheme of things still young but when youre in highschool that's Basically An Adult. terrifying. i also only have 8 weeks of regular classes left so that's 0.0,,,,,,, im so fucking close guys.

27.6.22
fuck yeahhhhh did the exam part of my english today and it went well :D just ur standard creative writing task so a piece of cake. creative writing is great because it's all just Vibes Based yknow??? can just say shit and u get good marks. i'm good at writing that flows nicely (when im doing it intentionally at least) and id already done a first draft so it was good!! anyways time to focus on physics now >_> im so fucking behind on this one im gonna be up LATE tonight and tomorrow night and the night after. oh well.

one other fun thing! i FINALLY got around to installing a new browser lmao. and this one doesn't have the weird parental control filters so i can now swear, uncensored, without special characters. very happy about this it was so annoying because im a very sweary person and it was a Pain to copypaste from a unicode converter once every three sentences. im already enjoying vivaldi it's so good only annoying thing is you can't set it to "clear all cookies except from these 3 sites" but i can circumvent that with a chrome extension (since it's chromium based, chrome extensions work on vivaldi too which is super helpful)

i also found a very cute neocities site today, tinypaws. just one person who is incredibly dedicated to taking pictures of their dog. kinda makes me wanna take more pictures of lola but it's such a pain w/out a smartphone,,,, ah well. i've given myself until 8pm and then i will start physics, do that until midnight, complete the Bedtime Routine and go to bed. rinse and repeat for three days and HOPEFULLY 12 hours of work will be enough to do a good depth study,, gotta get that ranking otherwise the hsc is gonna suck. love this school system <3

21.6.22
I have a math test tomorrow (AND the day after :I) that I really should be studying for, but instead I can't stop thinking about numbers. What is a number, really? I know what a number is, mostly, but if you asked me to explain or define it I would be completely unable to. Numbers, in my perception, are kind of like points in a field. There's the number line, but if you expand that out into a number plane (e.g. with imaginary numbers), and then add a third dimension of depth... I don't really know how to explain it, but although we think of numbers like a line they're more like a 3D field. Or a universe, if you're more inclined to consider it that way. I don't know. It's interesting.

20.6.22 - thoughts on anarchism
With the discovery of an actual, legitimate, well-established anarchist commune nearby, I've been having a lot of thoughts about leftism in general. It's sparked a lot of conversations with my mother, too. She says - and I'm inclined to agree with her - that it would be significantly easier to discuss anarchist/leftist/communist ideas with the general population if they were called something else. Communism particularly invokes such a strong reaction in people that, no matter what you say after that, they'll have already dismissed you. (Particularly older people e.g. 40+.)

“Are you a communist?”
“I don’t know what that word means to you, so I don’t know what a yes would mean. What do you say we sit down over supper and I’ll tell you how I see the world and my place in it?”
“Fair enough.”

(Stone Butch Blues, Leslie Feinberg) (dialogue tags removed for clarity)

Once, in a conversation with my then Chemistry teacher, we were talking about general politics as a class. I mentioned anarchism, and was met with the general hostility that it often is. I waited, though and kept participating in the conversation, talking about anarchism but without using the name. By the end, everyone generally seemed to agree with me. I found it absolutely fascinating how their attitude seemed to change so quickly. I think the general population, for the most part, would be pro-anarchy. It's just the term itself that they're against.

Saying "I'm an anarchist" is such an effective conversation ender that I've started using it to my advantage. Sometimes I'm just not interested in having an entire discussion with a random bigot.

It's interesting how, as I read more about anarchist principles, the more certain I am in my anarchism. I suppose I sort of got lucky. I only started reading leftist theory because I had a crush on an outspoken anarchist in my writers group. (If you're reading this... sorry.) Before that I was.. vaguely right-of-centre? It was the first time I'd actually, properly thought about politics and why things are the way they are. and look at me now! transsexual anarchist! Rather a tone change. Anyway, the point I was trying to get to: I've subscribed to the anarchist library RSS feed, and have started to get into the habit of reading semi-randomly chosen anarchist texts each day. It's been incredibly interesting to read from a wide variety of authors, from all kinds of settings and contexts. I don't really have a finishing thought for this, just... something I've been considering.

13.6.22
i forgot to mention yesterday that!! N is making a website!!!!! im so 𝚏ucking excited to share this interest with them and also read their site (all of their stories and artworks are the absolute coolest). once they finish setting it up ill link them properly on the homepage :D

12.6.22
mental health update: systems r positive! i haven't had anyone at my house for a sleepover in forever and had such an excellent time. and now i have another photo with friends! i'm always worried that once i move for uni i will forget what people look like because my facial recognition skills are EXTREMELY subpar. there's something nice about taking photos, too - i used to haaaaate having my photo taken by anyone, but when it's between friends (especially trans friends!! woooo my gender is being perceived) i am much more okay with it and it's even enjoyable. which is a big step up!! there's about a 6 year gap in my life where there are almost no photos bc i just straight up refused.

just a short update today as i'd like to do my laundry and put away the mattresses before i go to bed (holy shit it's already 8pm)! feeling a distinct lack of stress which is extremely nice! might update the media log later tonight i don't think i've properly talked abt the muppets yet

10.6.22
I tried to write a blog post in Multiverse, but it didn't export properly. In the meantime, here.

7.6.22
whats up besties!! i havent updated here in what feels like fucking forever but has i think only been like a week (lmao). (here being the website not the journal,,,, i really want to journal more but idk what to write generally). so im going to keep it more casual from here on out i think!

ive been in a depression haze the past couple of days (hehe rhyme) which has been no fun at all. normally when i feel terrible i can pinpoint whats happening (loneliness, something 2 be anxious about, lack of sleep) but idk whats up with me atm. just garden variety mental illness i guess!! 💖 sometimes it feels kinda unfair that im autistic AND adhd AND mentally ill but hey!! theyre a package deal i guess. it is what it is

speaking of adhd slash autism ive been neck deep in a new hyperfixation. anyone who knows me on a different platform will know already. it is - of all things - the muppets, and im incapable of thinking about ANYTHING else. more on that in /media.html tho! ive been crocheting my own muppet (i've named them mudge:D) and its taking. so long. but will b worth it hopefully

god what else i feel like a lot has happened but idk what to say. uhhhh i submitted a short story for publication! will be uploading that to the original content page soon. it's about ghosts and hauntings and loneliness and im kinda proud of it! tho im devastated about how cut down it is. (the word limit was 1500 words and the full thing is about 5000.) what can i say i have lots of thoughts and feelings <3

going to do some work on the site and then take a depression nap. today was majorly sh!tty so now im sad AND tired not a fun combo. anyways whoevers reading this hope ur day is better than mine 💜💜

10.5.22
Why is it that the more comfortable I am in my queerness, the less I can talk about it?

6.5.22
So today I was semiverbal for a bit. Not long, but long enough that it lasted through about three classes. (It was strange, three out of us four Autistic Kids were non/semiverbal today, all at the same time. An odd coincidence.) It was... an experience. Everyone - that is, 2 teachers and 2 of the learning support staff, and one student - was lovely about it, but it still felt isolating and frustrating. I'm not even sure what caused it. Change in routine, maybe? My math teacher wasn't there today and it threw off the rest of the day I guess. And now I have a lot of homework, which is guaranteed to make me feel more overwhelmed... oh well. At least I'll see N tomorrow. I can give them their birthday present! (Finally.) (I still wish I could've gotten them a sword, but I hope they'll like this just as much.) And, of course, it's my writing teacher's book launch soon, which I was a sensitivity reader for! (Along with N and Z, who attend the same class.) It's a middle-grade novel, and she wanted to include a trans character in it - but she's cis and wanted to get some trans sensitivity readers. enter, us! :^) I'm really excited to read the full thing. It'll be a big day (despite the launch only being 2 hours long lmao) but im looking forward to it.

Anyways, i still can't remember where I was going with that last post, so I guess it's a lost cause. Instead of that, I will leave you with something I discovered about neurotypical people today. I was talking to my mother (token family neurotypical /j) about the quite frankly 𝕗ucking absurd study timetable they presented to my class today. It was four hours of study, 6 afternoons a week, from 4:30-9 with a half hour break for dinner. sounds ridiculous and impractical, right? wrong. according to her it was actually pretty reasonable. Which??? Huh?????? Apparently the only thing stopping (nt) people from doing that is that... drumroll, please... they don't want to. And that any time anyone says they've been procrastinating homework, they're doing it... on purpose. HUH?

fucking absurd. (and quite frankly unfair. id be UNSTOPPABLE if i could sit down for 4+ hours a night and just do homework. id literally be top of my state in everything. jfc.)

4.5.22
I've been thinking a lot about neurodivergency, and what it means (to me) to be autistic. Maybe I don't think about it as much as I otherwise would, considering my transness is so much more, idk, visible? Like if I'm going to fight for one part of my identity to be recognised, it'll be the trans part, and so I think about it more because, well, fighting for basic respect and decency. It takes up a lot of ur thoughts.

I'd never really considered autistic culture as a thing that like, exists. Queer culture is extremely important to me, but autistics don't seem to have that kind of visible history - at least not where I can see it. Everything I can read about our history is just... suffering. Which sucks! There are a lot of autistic people present and past who have lived happy, fulfilling lives, I'm sure of it. Just seemingly not connected to each other. Which gets stranger the more I think about it - I had a fully-autistic friend group before any of us even knew we were. Neurodivergent folks flock together. oh, i just had an idea for another page for this site. i think i was going somewhere with this post, but maybe i'll continue this thought later.

1.4.22
First off, belatedly, happy trans day of visibility! May all of us continue to be the coolest folks around. And secondly, happy trickery day to all who celebrate. (That is, April fool's.) And thirdly, happy early birthday to my friend, who turns 18 tomorrow.

The flood has continued. It's genuinely surreal to be going through life, thinking about maths and social problems and assignments and podcasts and whatever the 𝕗𝕦𝕔𝕜 is going on in my head, while there are people missing, and friends trapped... not in danger, but still, trapped. It's just weird, you know? And most people I've talked to about it, agree - once you dig through the horror and anxiety and devastation of it all, it's just weird. Such a deviation from the norm. I feel all kinds of detached, even though I'm essentially on a very large flood-surrounded island right now.

And yet, life goes on. Assignments continue, albeit delayed. In the next week, I need to finish my unit on integration so I can move on to revising proofs and vectors in the holidays. (Extension II is a wonderful mathematics course, but it's absolute hell in terms of study load.) I have art and physics exams too, and an english assignment due next friday. In the holidays, I'll be catching up with Z, working on a large fan project with some friends, studying, beginning the scholarship application processes and possibly going on a family vacation. I also want to read a lot, and watch at least two seasons of TXF. Lots to do. Maybe I'll ask my sister to change my tumblr password, so I won't be tempted to doom-scroll. And that's all between my two major commitments: working (my job was kind enough to give me this term off, but no more, which is fair) and volunteering with the relief effort,,,, and also all my appointments,,,,,,,,

Yikes. That's the first time I've typed it all out. I only get two weeks.. maybe I'll have to cut down on some of those things. (Or, uh, take my Ritalin a liiiiiiittle bit more consistently.) But, at least I'm dropping art, and physics is still prelim, so I only really need to worry about keeping on top of my maths courseload and doing my english assignment, at least until next week is over.

Don't be like me. Do your homework when it's assigned.

30.3.22
Well, it's happening again. Happened again - I'm writing this after the fact. It's so strange, to sit peacefully on my laptop, the sky visible through my window... and the knowledge that hundreds, possibly thousands of homes are damaged or destroyed.
Again.

My friend is sending me semi-regular photo updates of the water outside their house - still rising. It's like the most horrific sense of deja vu. I wish I was there with them, if only to help ease this horrible survivor's guilt. I almost was, in fact - I was meant to stay with them tonight. I was going to ask if I could stay last night, as well, but didn't know how to bring it up. Now I'm out here and they're in there. Last time they were trapped for nearly a week. This flood seems less severe, but I'm willing to bet this time there'll be less aid as well.

I think I'm going to dedicate part of my holidays to flood clean-up. I desperately need a break, but others need my time more than I do, y'know? And I guess I am having a break right now, even if it doesn't feel like it. If I can, I'd like to spend a bit of time doing maths today so I don't fall too far behind, and can spend the weekend helping instead of catching up.

I just wish this wasn't happening now, but I guess there's not really a good time for it to happen.

24.3.22
I hate web cookies so much it's unreal. I've set my browser to block every third party cookie by default, and things still work fine... almost as if we don't need them. I try to embed a youtube video: immediately, third party cookies. I try to add a cbox: third party cookies. Even pages that logically shouldn't need them use third party cookies, and I'm sick of it. Did you know Facebook - sorry, Meta - can and does build up ad profiles on you, even if you personally don't have an account? I didn't. It's absolutely horrific. Not to mention! it's so difficult to access a page without accepting cookies. I do my best to decline all of them, but sometimes I just have to give up, they're layered under so many hoops to jump through. I'm just so tired of having to actively defend my privacy every time I open a new webpage.

If you're designing a website: PLEASE think about whether you truly need that iframe. Use the nocookie option for embedding youtube videos, and make it easy for a user to decline all tracking cookies. And if you're a user: familiarise yourself with your browser settings. Disable third party cookies and autofill. Clear your existing cookies. It isn't that difficult to sign in each time you need a website. Chrome especially, there are SO many little settings that are enabled by default that any reasonable person would want disabled.